humor archive

Text Box: Elmer, you sure this GPS is working? I’d swear that sign said foot traffic only

Text Box: Uhhh, excuse me Mr. Einstein; Two calls for you. Sir Isaac Newton is on line one, says he discovered something you need to know about apples and trees and the Darwin selection folks are on line two .

New element identified

Lawrence Livermore Laboratories has discovered the heaviest element yet
known to science. The new element, Governmentium (Gv), has one neutron, 25 assistant neutrons, 88 deputy neutrons, and 198 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312.

These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are
surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons.

Since Governmentium has no electrons, it is inert; however, it can be
detected, because it impedes every reaction with which it comes into
contact. A tiny amount of Governmentium can cause a reaction that would
normally take less than a second, to take from 4 days to 4 years to
complete.

Governmentium has a normal half-life of 2 - 6 years. It does not decay, but
instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the assistant
neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places.

In fact, Governmentium's mass will actually increase over time, since each
re-organization will cause more morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes. This characteristic of moron promotion leads some scientists to believe that Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a critical concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as critical morass.

When catalyzed with money, Governmentium becomes Administratium, an element that radiates just as much energy as Governmentium since it has half as many peons but twice as many morons

When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive.....so, I took her to a gas station.... and that's how the  fight started....

      I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light for  $14.95.  Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95. I told  her the beer would make her look better at night than the cold cream...... And that's how the fight started.

         After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for  Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.  The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.    So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, 'That  silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed  my Social Security application.  When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.  She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too'......  And that's how the fight started.....

      My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.  My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'  'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'
    'My goodness!' says my wife, 'Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'...... And that's how the fight started.....

     I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car.     Well ... I couldn't believe it.... he was a DWARF!!!  He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, 'I AM NOT   HAPPY!!!'  So, I  looked down at him and said, 'Well, then which one are you?'.......    And that's how the fight started.....

         I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.  'I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please.'  He said,   'Aren't you worried about the mad cow?'  'Nah, she can order for  herself.'...... And that's how the fight started.....