When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take  her someplace expensive.....so, I took her to a gas station.... and that's how the  fight started....
 
      I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light for  $14.95.  Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for  $7.95. I told  her the beer would make her look better at night than  the cold cream...... And that's how the fight started.
 
         After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to  apply for  Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman  that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.  The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.    So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, 'That  silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed  my Social Security application.  When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security  office.  She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too'......  And that's how the  fight started.....
 
      My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.  My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'  'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'  
    'My goodness!' says my wife, 'Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'...... And that's how the fight started.....
 
     I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were  alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car.     Well ... I couldn't believe it.... he was a  DWARF!!!  He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, 'I AM  NOT    HAPPY!!!'  So, I  looked down at him and said, 'Well, then which one are you?'.......    And that's how the fight started.....
 
         I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.  'I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please.'  He said,   'Aren't you worried about the mad cow?'  'Nah, she can order for  herself.'...... And that's how the fight started.....